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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Getting Paid For Not Raising Hogs

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C

Dear Sir,

My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $10,000 from the Government for not raising hogs, and I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $4,220 in 1988, until this year when he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $10,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $20,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 400 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 10,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 400 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

Patriotically Yours,

Otis Deal

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